Despite some IT challenges thrown up on the day, I was very pleased with our recent annual conference and AGM in Manchester. One of our speakers, Dr Sue Whitcombe, who had already made the trip to Manchester and was due to speak on the benefits of both parents in a child’s life, unfortunately fell ill the night before and was unable to make it; we send her our best wishes. We were blessed though with our remaining speakers, Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, Sarah Parsons of CAFCASS and Prof Ben Hine of the University of West London. For many the Q+A with Sir Andrew and Ben was the highlight of the day. We expect to make Ben’s and Sarah’s presentations available to members in due course.

To read the full article, please click on the title. 

Link to the project can be found here.

Launched by Prof Ben Hine at the University of West London on 19 October - Professor Ben Hines Lost Dads Project: Download the full report here.

A start, we surely hope, to an attempt to complement the vast existing volume of research by looking at the effect on men, and especially fathers.  Suicide and ‘suicide ideation’ (considering it) are tragically common responses to family breakdown and its frequent consequence, the end of meaningful relationships between children and their fathers. 

 ….’We need to act not only to support already separated fathers, but to change and reshape attitudes that produce such experiences... We need urgently to appreciate the value that fathers have on the lives of children….’ 

Thank you, Ben, for this, and for breaking the taboo on looking at the other side of the argument. May others follow the lead. 

To all of us, read it and promote it.  

Christmas is a very special time for children and if, as a divorced or separated parent, you are denied that opportunity or it’s simply not your turn, it can be the loneliest time of the year. Even when there are clear guidelines in a court order and an expectation of shared care, Christmas arrangements are always difficult. One solution is to have two Christmases, two family gatherings and two sets of pressies. The kids love it, the grandparents love it and there is less tension between parents. We will be publishing our survival guide separately to share, but these are the key points:

1. Remember to put the kids first. Even though you are missing them do not put your distress ahead of their enjoyment. Encourage them to look forward to the next time they are with you.

2. Try and negotiate with your former partner at least a phone call with your children on Christmas Day so they know you are thinking about them and sharing their excitement.

3. Try and agree with your former partner that it is fair for the children to have Christmas Day with each of you on alternate years or just give them another Christmas on another date. They will love it.

4. If you do have them this year do not go overboard on arrangements. Think ahead. What will they enjoy rather than what is expensive. It is time together that counts in the long run.

5. Do not compete on presents with your former partner. Overspending will create friction especially if money is short for both of you. When you have limited time with your children it is often tempting to try and compensate by extravagant gestures. Don’t. Good cheer now will pay off in the New Year.

6. Keep in mind that your children will remember the time they have with you. Don’t worry that they don’t give you a second thought when they’re not with you. That’s what kids are like.

7. If you don’t have any contact with your kids at all, sit down and write them an upbeat letter. Even if you never send it’ll be your time with them this year.

8. Don’t let yourself get miserable or lonely at home. Make sure you see friends or think about volunteering with some of the organisations that look after others at Christmas.

Have you been a helpline volunteer in the past? Have you helped at support meetings or chaired any Teams or Zoom meetings? Well, FNF may well need your help over the Christmas period. We are proposing to maximise our support for separated parents who aren’t seeing their children this Christmas and who may need emotional support or just need to reach out for a touch of camaraderie. Could you help on our on-line video call in or phone helpline for a few hours over Christmas Day? If so, please email paul.ocallaghan.trustee@fnf.org.uk

It is not often we promote a book but Lucy Reed’s ‘Family Courts without a Lawyer’; A handbook for Litigants in Person’ is one. It has become such an acknowledged reference it’s difficult to imagine doing without it. The third edition was published in July 2022 and remains right up to date. 

Clearly organised with a 9-page index, a good ‘jargon buster’, complemented with a comprehensive website with useful clips explaining basics, including what to expect in court, and including some excellent videos. Something to ease the fears of people in court for the first time and often in straight panic. Highly recommended. 

She is also Chair of the ‘Transparency Project’ (LINK), an attempt to make family court proceedings more understandable. A brave attempt at the seemingly impossible. The most recent guide that we know of is about the handling of domestic violence. It sets out what ought to happen and maybe does when a barrister of her calibre is there, but unfortunately not what often actually happens, especially in the lower courts. 

The Labour Party have committed in extending maternity and paternity leave in a green paper published earlier in the year. The commitment is hidden in a single paragraph on page 9 of a 14 page document (LINK) on employment rights. 

The Lib Dems would double shared parental pay and increase leave. This was published in a policy statement called A Better Start in Life for Every Child, following their recent party conference (LINK)

The government published their plans in June this year following a 2019 consultation in a document called The Good Work Plan – Proposals to support Families (LINK). Their proposals concentrate on greater flexibility for employers and fathers. 

Few fathers take up paternity leave at present, often due to the financial pressures of parenthood. Equal and fully funded parental leave, with a non-transferable, “use it or lose it” quota for dads, is key to encouraging men’s uptake and equal participation in caregiving; such an uptake would benefit all, children, dads and mums, the latter by helping their employability and reducing the domestic burden. 

Whilst the above are steps in the right direction, none of the political parties are close to matching the generous leave arrangements in Finland (LINK).  

The views of the enemies of shared parenting on PA is simple: they contend it’s a fictitious concept used by abusive fathers to get residence of children instead of their loving mothers. 

Our reply is this. We are a children’s rights organisation, half of them girls. It is not normal for children not to want a relationship with their ‘other parent’. If they say this, it should be looked at. Is there a good reason for it - there can be – or has it been created, sometimes deliberately but sometimes unwittingly, by the parent with whom they spend most or sometimes all of their time? 

It is mothers who are mostly accused of PA, usually because they are in a position to do it. When control of the children is given to their father, they can be just as likely to do it. 

A recent legal case illustrates this (LINK). It concerns a 9-year-old girl, Eve, who was living with her father. He had poisoned her against her mother and behaved in other unacceptable, on occasion extreme, ways. Multiple attempts had been made to get him to change. All had failed. The court, on the advice of the girl’s Guardian who had changed her mind about the prospects of alternatives, ordered that, despite her objections, Eve’s residence should be changed to her mother. The father should not be allowed contact because he would not use it positively.

The judge’s (her Honour Judge Patel) reasoning and approach is, in our view, totally convincing. Should it be applied more often? As a shared parenting outfit, we don’t - and nor do most excluded parents want - transfers of residence except (as in this case) in extreme circumstances. We want children to have a good relationship with both parents and their wider families both sides. 

We do not expect, however, the anti-PA lobby to leap to this father’s defence. 

Thanks, Vinay, for the info. 

Article’s link can be found here.

It was back in 2022 when Sir Andrew McFarlane (President of the Family Division) announced that Fact Finding hearings should no longer be the default in cases involving abuse allegations. It has taken some time for this idea to filter down to the lower courts but filter it has. More and more FNF members are reporting that judges are deciding the allegations made by the other parent do not justify a fact finding and will not affect the future plans for child-care. 

In practice fact finding hearings can often present serious problems. They encourage allegations. They exacerbate conflict. They make things more complicated. They are always backward looking when the need is to discuss what is best for the children’s future. This is usually in new situations (the parents no longer trying to live together for example). Above all they cause additional delay already outrageous by anybody’s standards. During this time things change, nearly always to the disadvantage of the children, who may be prevented from seeing one of their parents while the court finds the time and judges to deal with the issues. In addition, the ‘burden of proof,’ the ‘balance of probabilities’ is not the right one. The relevant questions are – are we sure enough that things happened that are serious enough to decide the future of the children? These things are best decided on a holistic basis by one sequence of hearings.  

One of the ways in which parents in control of the children ‘win’, is not by winning the case legally, but by exhausting the capacity of the excluded parent to continue. FoF are sometimes necessary (and even useful on occasions), but they can be misused. 

The good news, the judiciary has decided there are too many of them. Current guidance (LINK)

Link to article can be found here.

There is a new ‘research’ group called SHERA who undertake research and propagate hostility to ‘parental alienation’ which they see as a form of ‘domestic abuse perpetrator behaviour’.  

They propose new terminology: ‘Child and Mother Sabotage’ (CAMS) as ‘a preferable term for how perpetrator fathers intentionally sabotage the child-mother connection’ and ‘Court and Perpetrator Induced Trauma’ for what mothers suffer in court when there are abuse allegations.   

They say “The system is loaded against abused women. Courts are unsympathetic to them, and the men’s rights group Families Need Fathers was recently attended by the Family Court President and CAFCASS representatives….’  Victimhood in action.

Members can read Karen Woodall’s debunking of this damaging concept. (LINK) 

As our supporters well know, we are very emphatically not a ‘men’s rights group’. Rather we support the clause of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, that: 

‘States parties shall respect the rights of a children who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child’s best interests.’  

We contrast the large sample size and more rigorous research methods of, for example, Ben Hine’s research with that of SHERA, which uses very small samples of cases to fit a pre-determined narrative. 

Link to the article can be found here.

Baroness Newlove was recently appointed interim victims’ commissioner at the end of last month (LINK) and we welcome her commitment to stand up for all victims.  We hope we can build some common ground regarding children as victims of separation, with contact denial meeting the tests for child abuse and 'coercive control',  

House of Commons Statement by Lord Farmer LINK

Lord Farmer asks a key question. What are the Government doing about the fact that 70% of young offenders grew up in lone parent families? 

Young Dads Challenge stereotypes LINK

A BBC report explains how young fathers find they have the double stereotype bias against them when they start out their fatherhood journey, your male AND young.  

David Beckham documentary. New on Netflix LINK

Great 4-part series. Shows well, in episode 2, how it was Beckham’s dad who was so influential in his childhood to give him the necessary resilience when receiving death threats after France ‘98. 

Some members find branch meetings online too difficult to attend. It triggers unhappy memories and in some cases flashbacks of abuse and violence; for them, a face-to-face meeting is easier as you are more able to interpret non-verbal cues, build new supporting relationships, engage in purposeful small talk and address sensitive issues without misunderstandings. Others find online, the most convenient format, easier to attend and both direct and informative. The Cambridge branch of FNF provide both options every month. 

East London Branch have run only online meetings since COVID. Despite this they have regular legal advice from solicitors and McKenzies to help with support. Run by Ian Findlay it is also East London that host the regular and popular 8 week course Surviving Separation – Putting the Children First . Ian tells us “Londoners are spoilt for choice for branches to attend both online and face to face. Because we were one of the first to offer online meetings during the lockdown, we now help many members across the country who may not have a local branch.”  

Exeter and Cornwall branch have been online for three years now and regularly get upwards of 15 attendees. 

Please send us your branch news and update. We would love to hear from you.